Abstract

In lieu of an abstract, here is a brief excerpt of the content:134 Feminist Studies 43, no. 1. © 2017 by Feminist Studies, Inc. rachel marie-crane williams Both Sides Now I need to be here. I look at her face while the nurse looks at her vagina. I glimpse the inside of her thigh dotted with green and brown bruises Not like camouflage Tender—old blood just beneath the surface She says to the sane nurse, “Can you tell me if I was raped?” She thinks it was one of her roommates. She isn’t sure which one. When she woke up her underwear was on the floor and her door was open. My skull feels like porcelain Thin grooved walls Concentric finger prints Translucent Wobbly on the thin base of my spine Pulsing Overflowing with the congealed renderings of other people’s trauma. My teeth hurt. How can I work on both sides? (As if there are only two) How can I like David, Caleb, Adam, Felix, Josh, Matthew, and Phil. Are all of their names biblical? Their homemade tattoos A dagger on his wrist and thumb. Misspelled words, Red Bull, and doughnuts. They tease each other, they listen. They hold each other accountable. Do I use their labels to minimize their crimes? Low-level sex offenders, cognitive disabilities Rachel Marie-Crane Williams  Josh is going to marry her but when it happened she was only 13. He loves their son. My own daughter is 12. I see them every week. It is not the gig I planned. At least I can be sure that they haven’t hurt anyone again. they haven’t been harmed. Phil was beaten for fun by two guys in his boarding house on the southeast side. They were drunk. He got arrested for carrying the Taser his dad bought him for protection. He is autistic. He fills his time by walking and riding the bus around town. He is so genuine, and he seems so kind. Week four Two attempt suicide. Both end up in the intensive care unit. David sent a picture of his penis to his girlfriend. She showed two other guys. They teased him. He got really scared that he would get caught and go back to prison. He took an overdose of his father’s muscle relaxants. He called his social worker to say goodbye. His social worker called the ambulance. Matt mixed sleeping pills with alcohol because the woman he met in church refused to see him again after she learned he was a sex offender. Three weeks later they have sex in the back of his truck. He wants to marry her. Week six David is angry. He says, “If that little bitch hadn’t lied about her age... ” He looks terrible this morning. His voice is still raspy from the breathing tube they forced down his throat at the hospital. He has relapsed. His old meth dealer lives next door. Adam smacks the table and says, “Hey man don’t talk about your victims. don’t.” Chivalry has silenced us. Tuesday, 2:37am I put both my children to bed before ten. I have been in bed for almost  Rachel Marie-Crane Williams three hours. After four years I have finally learned to sleep in spite of the phone. The sound is in my dreams before I hear it. One deep breath before I answer the call I switch on the light and fumble around for my call book, a pen, and notepad in the space next to me on the bed. The phone rings again. I can feel the pulsing potential in my chest. “Hello, this is the Rape Crisis line, how can I help you?” “Is this line private?” The voice is male. I am polite and affirmative but furiously scribble down the number and start flipping through my call book. Is he an abusive caller? Has he called before? I can’t help but be suspicious. As he begins to describe his situation and ask questions, that itchy feeling starts at the back of my neck. He isn’t timid. He is too polite. He tells me that he just needs to describe what happened. “Do you have time for...