Abstract

In lieu of an abstract, here is a brief excerpt of the content:134 Feminist Studies 41, no. 1. © 2015 by Gabeba Baderoon Focal Length Gabeba Baderoon I take out the black and white photos I brought with me from Cape Town and haven’t looked at for years and stand them next to one another on the dining room table. In one, my mother in her white coat at the hospital looks up from her notes, distracted, in the grainy matte finish you could ask for in the eighties instead of gloss. Here she is, younger, standing by the window, holding the telephone with its spiraling black cord to her ear, the curtain slanting to the side as she turns away from the camera. I take down from the wall the framed collection of Rafi’s baby photos I’d found wrapped in tissue paper among the tablecloths in the sideboard we inherited from his parents and line us up with each other. There he is, his face fitting into his mother’s shoulder; his brother holding him with hands under the armpits the way he was told; posing by a white door in a hooded woolen coat, his head reaching just above the handle. When I unwrapped them, the tissue paper had only one set of creases, untouched since she packed them for their long journey. In the soft focus of faded paper, I am standing with my back to a VW Beetle I know is pale green, my hands tucked behind me against the bumper, the license plate showing the number from the time before we moved from Uitenhage to Cape Town. In this one, I am on my mother’s lap, leaning against her like gravity. In the photo the focus shifts between my face and my mother’s. She is looking at me, like my father who is taking the picture. My face is clear and hers slightly blurred, as though his eyes are moving between us, as though the camera cannot capture the eye’s oscillation between two people one loves at the same time. One photo had been folded into three, bent once and then again to fit into a pocket, close enough to the skin to warm the paper, and then smoothed out again to fit into a frame. In it, I am turning sideways toward the camera—someone must have called my name—and a line creases just Gabeba Baderoon 135 beneath my eyes. Folded, hidden, forgotten, memory doesn’t come to me straight. The pleat of the curtain as she leans against it, his face in the crook of her shoulder as though he would never leave, me turning toward my name, the paper keeping its original crease. Poetry for Beginners In the evening poetry class for beginners in the community hall during the introductions a girl looking down behind her hair and a thick brown coat she doesn’t take off breathes in deep and risking something says fast my boyfriend’s in prison and I’m here to find out how to write to him through the bars and someone laughs and she pulls herself back into her coat and from inside looks past us and the next week doesn’t come back and I think of her for years and what poetry is I think of her long pause at the beginning her silence before and her silence after and I think this is my origin where poetry is risk, is betrayal and the memory of the first question how not to be alone 136 Gabeba Baderoon ID Photos In the small caravan parked permanently next to the Traffic Department with the handwritten sign ID Photos Taken Here its wheels rusted into place the young old photographer with dreadlocks and a tired poet’s face is shaking his head from side to side muttering some version of no just before me a woman in a long black skirt and black veil unties the loop of fabric knotted behind her head and her face briefly emerges the young old photographer sees everything hundreds of unclaimed photos line the inside of his caravan the making of identity interrupted and turned into small sad signs of something else we don’t look at...