Abstract

This autobiography addresses philosophical questions concerning the meaning of life, the possibility of knowledge, ethical challenges of the human condition, and how a person discovers who he or she is or ought to be. I wasted large stretches of my life being things, or trying to be things, that were not really me, such as a revolutionary, a drunk, a tough-guy and a heterosexual. I also spent years trying to hide from myself what I really was. I take myself to have discovered who, or what, I am, though I could have done so more swiftly, and had a much more fulfilling life, if I had taken a more organised and critical approach to self-discovery. The book begins with a crisis of depression, anxiety and bruxism which tore me apart in my late forties. It then recounts my early years, in the slums then a council estate, before tracing my chequered career(s) as student, labourer, barman, petty criminal, paper boy, university teacher, local government officer, management advisor, transvestite prostitute, and management accountant, also pondering the behaviour of the varied characters with whom I came into contact. The course of my social life, or lack of it, sees me develop from loner to headbanger, hedonist, drunkard and politico. For decades, my sexual nature was a conundrum to myself, as I passed from heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual, alternately indulging and disdaining transvestism and sado-masochism. The sexual descriptions are more or less clinical, rather than erotic, but they are often explicit. I make no apology for that. No honest or adequate book about self-discovery could either ignore sex or treat it perfunctorily. This life-story is also in part a philosophy book, in part a self-help book, in part a catalogue of sexual quirks, and in part a collection of slice-of-life anecdotes and incidents. My hope is that people will find it interesting, amusing, instructive, and a source of material for reflection on their own lives that helps them to discover who they are or who they can be.