This article argues for substantial ex–post criminal penalties against purveyors of stolen intellectual property, in lieu of current legislation winding its way through both chambers of the United States Congress. Inter alia, it discusses why such a drastic remedy has proven necessary and what other measures the Congress should consider adopting. It concludes with a sobering discussion of Internet mischief more generally. -/- Note: This is in marked contrast to views expressed in 1999 when civil justice would have sufficed, and (...) the problems enumerated herein were foreseen and predicted in print, but because the Internet was still young and largely used constructively, the warning went unheeded. (shrink)